Tietoisuuden Tiivistymä

Kävin lauantaina seurojen talolla, kyseessä siis vanhoillislestadiolaisten tilat myrskyläntie 22:ssa. Helsingin Rauhanyhdistyksellä oli ohjelmassa nuorisopäivät, voisi siis kuvitella että asia suunattaisiin raamatussa nuoria kiinostaviin aiheisiin kuten Laulujen Laulun ylistämään seksualisuuteen tai kunigas Salomonin ääretömään viisauteen. Sen sijaan raamattua ei luettu ollenkaan. Minä olen hyvä paimen tekstin päällä tulkittiin mooseksen kirjaa äänellä jota en valitettavasti voi kuvailla kuin hämmentäväksi puhekieleksi yhdistettynä artikulaation puutteeseen joka saavutti lähes koomiset mittasuhteet.

Jos puheen epäselvyyttä ei oteta huomioon oli pappi Kaivonurmi valkohiuksinen ja silmälasipäinen vanhempi luottamusta herättävä mies joka puhui linnuista ja pääskysistä symbooleina toivolle ja pyhälle hengelle sekä jumalan tuomasta turvasta ja avusta.

Setti alko virsillä joita yritin laulaa mukana. Rukoilukohdissa ristin sormeni, laskin pääni alaspäin, suljin silmät ja yritin muistaa isä meidän rukouksen, mieleni kuitenkin harhaili ja tunsin lähinnä itseni lampaaksi suden vaatteissa hyökkäämässä omiensa kimppuun. Eikä ympärillä huutavat polvenkorkuiset auttaneet muuten kuin akustisen tilan määrittelemisessä.

Koko tilaisuuden ajan oli jotenkin likainen olo, ikäänkuin olisin jonkun toisen makuhuoneessa seuraamassa jotain intiimiä ja henkilökohtaista, valitettavasti se ei ollut raakaa, intohimoista tai kiinostavaa. Vaan lähinnä todella tylsää ja uskomattoman kuivaa. Jopa virret oli mielikuvituksettomia ja säestetty liian kovalla urkumusiikilla. Akustiikka oli paikassa säädetty niin että oli mahdoton kuulla kenenkään muun kuin itsensä laulavan urkujen yli, vaihtoehtoisesti ketään ei oikeasti kiinostanut laulaa vaikka virsiä olikin noin 10 minuutin välein. Tämä kieltämättä mahdollisti tauon monotoonisella äänellä puhuvan Pekka Kinnusen Luther puheeseen jonka voisi kiteyttää fundamentalistiseen raamatun tulkintaan sekä Profeettojen ja Apostoli kirjeiden tärkeyteen, mutta virret tosiaan toisti kahta perusmelodiaa ja sanat eivät olleet kovinkaan innostavia. Puhumattakaan jumalan rakkaus flowchartista jota kaikessa komeudessaan esitettiin seinällä piirtoheittimen välityksellä.

45 minuuttia Pekkaa myöhemmin mä olin valmis repimään korvat päästäni ja puukottamaan kynällä itseäni silmään jotta aivoni ei tekisi itsemurhaa tylsyydestä. Uhrasin itseni kuitenkin tieteen nimissä siinä toivossa että saavuttaisin henkisen valaistumisen ja tulisin uskoon. Valitettavasti se ei vaan jostain syystä onnistu.

Olen 25 vuoden ajan elänyt kristittynä siinä toivossa että siinä olisi jotain järkeä, enään en vaan oikein nää sille syytä.

Pascalin vaaka puhuu siitä että elämän aikainen uskonnon harjoittaminen on pieni haitta sen mahdolliseen hyötyyn nähden. Enään en ole samaa mieltä.

Tämä on ensimmäinen osa sarjaani henkisestä matkasta joka alkoi pyhäkoulusta ulos potkimisella, kyseenalaistin jo lapsena kaiken eikä auringon pysäyttäminen oikein sovi fysiikan lakeihin. Do the math!

Näitä tulee ainakin yksi ehkä kaksi  mutta todenäköisesti enemmän.

By Terry Bisson

“They’re made out of meat.”

“Meat?”

“Meat. They’re made out of meat.”

“Meat?”

“There’s no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They’re completely meat.”

“That’s impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?”

“They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don’t come from them. The signals come from machines.”

“So who made the machines? That’s who we want to contact.”

“They made the machines. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.”

“That’s ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You’re asking me to believe in sentient meat.”

“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they’re made out of meat.”

“Maybe they’re like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage.”

“Nope. They’re born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn’t take long. Do you have any idea what’s the life span of meat?”

“Spare me. Okay, maybe they’re only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside.”

“Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They’re meat all the way through.”

“No brain?”

“Oh, there’s a brain all right. It’s just that the brain is made out of meat! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“So … what does the thinking?”

“You’re not understanding, are you? You’re refusing to deal with what I’m telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat.”

“Thinking meat! You’re asking me to believe in thinking meat!”

“Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?”

“Omigod. You’re serious then. They’re made out of meat.”

“Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they’ve been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years.”

“Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?”

“First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual.”

“We’re supposed to talk to meat.”

“That’s the idea. That’s the message they’re sending out by radio. ‘Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.’ That sort of thing.”

“They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?”
“Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat.”

“I thought you just told me they used radio.”

“They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat.”

“Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?”

“Officially or unofficially?”

“Both.”

“Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing.”

“I was hoping you would say that.”

“It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?”

“I agree one hundred percent. What’s there to say? ‘Hello, meat. How’s it going?’ But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?”

“Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can’t live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact.”

“So we just pretend there’s no one home in the Universe.”

“That’s it.”

“Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You’re sure they won’t remember?”

“They’ll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we’re just a dream to them.”

“A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat’s dream.”

“And we marked the entire sector unoccupied.”

“Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?”

“Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again.”

“They always come around.”

“And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone …”

Reproduced from Tweeker’s Blogspot

See also: 50 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you’re a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. It’s the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It’s another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

Ainekset:
1 kahvikuppi (mikroon soveltuva)
4 tl jauhoja
4 tl sokeria
2 tl kaakaojauhoa (leivontaan soveltuvaa, jos käyttää jotain valmiiks makeutettua poista reseptistä sokeri)
1 muna
3 tl maitoa
3 tl öljyä
3 tl suklaa muruja
Ehkä vähän pähkinöitä jos tuntuu siltä
Skidisti vaniljaa

Ohjeet:

Lisää kuivat ainekset ja sekoita hyvin, lisää tämän jälkeen muna. Sekoita taas.
Sekoita öljy ja maito, kaada sekaan, sekoita.
Lisää suklaa ja pähkinät jos tuntuu siltä.
Laita kuppi lautaselle ja mikroon kolmeksi minuutiksi täydellä teholla.
(Kakku tulee nousemaan yli kupin reunojen, älä huolestu se tarkoittaa vaan lisää kakkua)
Anna jäähtyä ja tarjoile lautasella.
Syö tyytyväisenä! (Riittää ehkä kahdella jos suostuu jakamaan)

Vaarallisen hyvää tästä tekee se että jokainen on viidenminuutin päässä suklaakakusta.

Enjoy

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.